Hannah's Blog

”I never meant to hurt you

but somehow, I knew I would

will it be like this forever?”

Will I feel like this forever? Will I wonder why forever? Will the pain be forever? Like a hot day in August it feels like the sun will never truly set. My skin hurts from a sunburn i’ve been nursing for what seems like years, and my eyes scream at me to shut them and give in to sleep. I feel tired, the tired that comes from aching joints and an aching heart, and suddenly I feel like I could cry at the sweet suffering of my soul. So I wonder, if these are growing pains or something worse, something permanent. I wonder if i’ll ever get over it, because now I know I have no choice but to go through it. If this is some test from the gods, *dear god i better pass. *

Grass brushing my ankles, the buzzing of all the bugs of the night, rushing water and whipping air, a summer so lonely it takes your breath away, and I wonder, I wonder. I wonder if I only like the fall because I find comfort in the world being dead and cold, and I wonder if the heat of spring and summer remind me of the fire in my heart that I’ve tried to squelch for five summers now. I wonder when the cycle begins and when it ends, I wonder, if love is not enough then what is? Will it be like this forever?

I can only pray, to whatever being put me here, that this too will pass; that stupid mantra really gets under my skin. Sometimes things last forever. Sometimes suffering is eternal. Sometimes it’s freeing to feel so much pain. Will it be like this forever?