Hannah's Blog

For the last two years a few people in my life have been saying the same things in regards to my mental health: “You should get tested for BPD” or “You’re probably bipolar”. It always seemingly occurs around the same time, right after a mental breakdown where I swear I hate my life and would rather be dead. Now yes, these fits of throwing my belongings around the room, kickboxing my mattress, and scream-crying to sad indie girl pop have been a bothersome monthly event for the past 3 years of my life, but sometimes I’m not fully convinced I actually have a personality disorder.

Let me get this straight, I am mentally ill. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder at 14 and clinical depression (or major depressive disorder) at 17. I was an anxious and sad kid, I was an only child growing up living pay-check to pay-check, but I had a moderately normal childhood and a happy one at that. I was still mentally ill…also a difficult teenager (viva la revolution!!!!). I was fighting with my friends at school and my mom at home, my life was all play and no work, I had so much time to fester in my teenage angst. I was also unlocking my childhood trauma and incessantly thinking about how unfair my life was. This pressure on a kid who’s hormones are doing the samba was literally fuel for me to unleash a rampage of relentless rage and resentment on anyone who dared stray from my holier-than-though omniscient bible of righteous behaviour.

I wont lie, I do still think that I was right in almost all of the arguments I started at 17. I never need anyone to validate my feelings, I genuinely believe that I am so emotionally intelligent that I know when a feeling is justified. This is exactly where my problem with being told I have a personality disorder lies: I think my emotions are a valid reaction to an upsetting situation at least 93% of the time.

I do however meet the criteria for 5 or 6 of the DSM5’s diagnostic checklist. I have a fear of abandonment, unstable relationships (I dont like people), unstable sense of identity, chronic emptiness, and extreme anger. I’m an angry person!!! I’m 19 and the world is on fire! Maybe my validation issue is kicking in again, but I feel like this is normal for a depressed teenage girl.

I’m not sure. Maybe I’m just genetically doomed, maybe I’m just learning how to be normal, maybe I’m fine.