Hannah's Blog

When I was a child I dreamed of the day I turned 16. To me, being a teenager meant freedom. My perfect age was 16, the age where everything is “sweet”, the age where you start driving, the age when my mom said I could have a phone and wear a crop top. I was always envisioning my life at 16…boys, a big red car with a bow on top, a shiny pink flip phone (I was a 2000’s baby duh)…it all seemed so perfect, so ideal. I was obsessed with growing up. As a kid who was always “mature for her age” I just wanted my body to catch up with my mind, I wanted to shed my baby fat and spread my perfect womanly wings! Looking back, I think I idolized being a teenager because everybody talked about it like it was magical, like it was the best time of your life: your prime. I turned 16 and had a totally awesome (and slightly awkward) sweet 16 at my house, I got my learners permit and felt like the world was my oyster. Of course by then I was totally idolizing being in my 20’s…being free, being independent, but I was happy at 16.

When I turned 17 I realized that that was my perfect age. I was 17 and sexy…at least I felt sexy. I also felt insecure, and sad. But I felt mature and excited for my future. I was graduating and moving out and partying. I loved being 17.

Then I turned 18…I was legal. I promptly lost my virginity and started hanging out with men way too old for me, but it was fun. I was “barely legal”…the girl all men fantasize about…18 and an innocent little thing, at least that’s what I told them. Being 18 was when I truly felt like a woman. I felt like all the years I waited to be who I really was were worth it. I felt perfect.

Now I’m 19 and I’ve learned a lot since then. I often look back on my younger self and think: “Am I out of my prime?”.

As a woman your value is predetermined by the patriarchy. If you’re too old or too sexual you’re useless and worthless. That is why being young felt so perfect, so right. I had 2 benefits back then, 2 things that men LOVED: 1. I was a virgin, and 2. I was jailbait. I remember telling men about my innocence, I remember them being so worked up at the thought of me being inexperienced. I remember feeling like I had power over them…because I did. The one power you will always have as a woman is being a tease. Now don’t get me wrong, I believe in a woman’s right to her own sexuality no matter what a man thinks of it, and I don’t think women are teasing men on purpose 100% of the time, just some of the time. I know I did. I never felt more powerful than when I brought a man to his knees just by telling them my age. Now obviously this is wrong, men should not sexualize underage girls. The whole barely legal trope is disgusting. But I would be lying if I said I don’t feel like I’ve passed my prime sexiness. It’s drilled into girls from a young age: be delicate, be sweet, be *young. *It’s hard not to feel sexy at 18 when men are practically drooling at the thought of deflowering you, it’s fucked up but it’s the truth.

Anyways, now at 19 I find myself again romanticizing my teenage self, thinking about the fun I had when I was baby-faced and immature. I think the price we pay for being so beautiful in our youth is growing out of it. Now I wonder if I did pass my prime. I wonder if I’ll ever feel as ready as I did at 17 and 18, I wonder if maybe it’s okay if I never do. I’m glad I experienced it anyways, in all it patriarchal glory, and I’m glad I made it out on top.